Saturday, October 1, 2016

There's this girl

There's this girl named Mandy. She's pretty special.  She is the first close girlfriend I've had in a very very long time. She's the kind of friend where there are no holds barred. I don't have to hold back or act good. I don't have to pretend to like something just to have common ground. We can talk for an hour every night of the week and she'll have me laughing histerically in a matter of minutes. She's 10 years my junior and I've even been called her mother before by strangers...but we connect in a way I didn't think was possible anymore. She was there the day my boys came into this world...recording the whole thing. And she puts up with my crazy family just to come and visit. She even does laundry. There is no better friend than one that will wash your dirty underwear.

My bunch of nuts

I'm that mom

I really hope that there isn't cell phone video that will one day loop through the Internet of me trying to get my boys out of mother's day out.  People whip out their phones to record all matter of things these days.  It is truly my fear that I'm going to scroll through Facebook one day to find a video of "that horrid mother" referring to me.
Being a twin has its advantages. You can get away with so much more because there is always the other guy to take mom's attention while you run. On any given day at MDO you will find me "trying" to get my boys the short distance from the classroom to the car. It may as well be the miracle mile. Alex is out the gate first..always. He is the fastest and he could care less if mom follows. As I'm trying to coax William out the door through literally 20 cute little goodbyes to his teachers (he loves to make an exit) Alex has already rounded the corner and shot down the hall. Now, more than once I've caught some mom's face with the question....who's kid is this just running free? Yeah...I saw the look lady..and I'm coming just as fast as I can. I have William in hand but Alex has sprinted down the hall to THE RAMP. I have always felt like this was just poor design to have a handicapped ramp inside the children's wing. There has not been a day that has gone by that my boys have not jockeyed for first position on the ramp so they could run as fast as they can down it and eventually down the entire length of the hall. It doesn't matter if there are other kids or adults traversing said guys will bowl you over in a new York minute.
Seeing his brother is going to win first spot on the ramp, William promptly sits down. This is a toddlers defense mechanism. They will wear you down with this move. With bookbags in hand and cups and artwork, I have to let go of my little dear to try and rearrange so I can urge him further down the hall. This is all a ploy. Because the second me drops and I let go, a spring is activated in his little butt that propels him up and down the hall towards the ramp. Trying to be the good mommy and not make a scene I smile at all the well behaved little darlings passing by as I secretly grit my teeth at mine who are now both atop the ramp, watching and smiling at me. Time I get within an arms length of my devious duo they take off down that ramp. There's a rail..they know if they hug the wall I cannot reach them. Now reaching lightening toddler speeds, the ramp propels them back down the hall in the direction that we have already travelled. I stand there...calling sweetly as they laugh and run..back to their classroom. You have to just wait a moment because some rare times they will peak back around the corner and come running back to me..but that is unlikely. Most likely I will have to walk the miracle mile again only to find them in the director's office flirting. It was the only open door. Here again I try and coax my darlings from the office all the while enduring 20 more little cute goodbyes from William to the director. Here is where the lollipop comes in. For whatever reason, they give them a lollipop as a treat at school. I personally don't think my kids need a treat everyday but's her teaching method, and a nice gesture. It does provide me with the bribe. I literally hold the lollipops out and coax my wild ones down the hall towards the door. It is the only deterrent that will supersede the fun of the ramp. With that bait we make it to door number one. Unfortunately door number one leads to the Chamber of Echos. This foyer between the miracle mile and the outside is every vocal kid's dream. I myself would live to hold a concert in there because the acoustics are amazing so I can't really blame the tots for wanting to hear themselves resounding through the walls.
However, I am on it. I now unwrap the lollipops. Oh the tots cannot resist open candy staring at them. Now it's like a scene from the Walking Dead where all these little arms are groping, reaching for the candy. Alex is the most dexterous. The lollipop is snatched and in his mouth. I almost got them out door number 2 with that one. Door number two may as well be made of lead. It's literally a turn of the century historic old door that was obviously made to stave off intruders during some sort of war. I now have both boys by the hand but jelly legs have set in. My next move is the part where I hope there are never any cameras around. If there were, they would catch me dragging my children like limp dolls through the big door and down the steps. It looks horrible I know.  I'm pretty shocked that we haven't had an arm come out of socket at this point. But I am 100% sure that this is the most horrible picture of parenting that can possibly be taken at this point. You see I have to do this because if I let go, even for one second, the little buggers will shoot back to that cursed ramp and we will start all over again.
Finally, we are out of the building. This is where it's my turn to say "bye." You know what I mean. The "let's pretend I'm going to leave you so you'll follow" routine. We are almost home free..I can see the car. Most of the time it works but again...Alex is in the lead and William lags behind to smile at all the people exiting the building. That's ok at this point because if I have parked close enough, I can throw one in the van and shut the door before the other gets to the sidewalk.
Now, if I don't have the fortune of parking close, we are really in the big leagues because there is actual traffic  and two little devious boys on a wide open sidewalk.
Fear gives you extreme mommy muscles. It is with this fear of my angels getting hit by a car that I am able to grab one in each arm and tote them to the van. Mind's not a pretty tote. I may have one on my hip and one in a barrell hold around his waist. My favorite is the "you're slipping but I'm not letting go therefore giving you an epic diaper wedgie" hold. We make the van.
The street is dangerous. That means everyone gets in the van first before the buckling begins. This also means kid #1 will immediately get in and run to the back of the van. He thinks this is funny because I can't reach him. After kid #2 is secured, it's a crap shoot as to whether the one in the back will come when I  call. I have no more lollipops...I can only count. When I count to three and no one moves, then it's time for "pop pops". Here again I'm hoping that he takes my bluff because I do not feel like crawling in after him. So I count. One....Two..."FREE " he chants with me with a big grin on his face. Sigh. Now I have to put some action into it. One step up into the van usually does it. He takes me seriously enough to submit and come to me.
At last, I have secured my little wild more time...out of the five I will endure just this week.
Car line cannot come fast enough.