Thanksgiving 2022

 

FALL 2022

Fall is my favorite

 

The end of an ERA

I picked up a folder from the office today. It was only about an inch and half thick. But as I walked through that empty waiting room that used to be filled with chairs and chairs of hopeful women...my heart overflowed. Tears streamed down my face as I walked back to my car and a flood of me

mories overtook me. Some of the most significant things I've ever experienced happened in that office. Stories we tell to this day we're crafted from our experiences there. My life as I know it grew out of that office and Dr. EDUARD SERVY. He's a tall man. Charming. Maybe it's the French accent but I've always liked him from the start. Walking into that office I had no hopes of having a family. I had already been through testing and pills and IUIs. Like so many that walk through those doors..I came there as my last resort. The process was arduous and painful. The shots were one thing but the overstimulation put me in the hospital the first time. So much crying from hormones and fear. Fear that it wouldn't work. Fear that I was wasting all this money for nothing. On the day the grand total was due to continue on to the egg retrieval and insemination I remember standing in the corner of his office on the phone with the credit card company pleading for them to raise my limit because in order to proceed I had to pay the balance in full. They did. And the journey continued. When you are an IVF patient. The relationship doesn't stop when the baby is born. Nooo. It's a right of passage to bring that baby back at every stage of their life to show off everyone's handiwork. They all helped.  The nurses..the staff. They all walked through that trying journey with you. They've all seen you cry. Some tears of joy and some tears of loss. I had loss too. I had frozen embryos that never lived..never made it. You mourn the thought of children youd never know. It's natural. You also deeply appreciate with all your soul the children you do have. 

Dr. Servy is retired now. But he's left quite a legacy. People all over the place are here because he chose this very special, very wonderful profession. I'm still crying because with a 14 year old and twin 8 year olds I had forgotten that extreme pain of wanting a child so badly. Walking in there today reminded me of how very far I've been able to come. It makes me pretty appreciative of all the trouble my minions give me. It makes the hard work of parenting seem sorta miniscule in comparison to the hole I once had in my heart. 

I wish Dr. Servy such a restful retirement and many more games of golf. I literally love that man for what he did to help me. GOD CHOSE THE CHILDREN BUT DR.  SERVY WAS THE INSTRUMENT IN GETTING THEM HERE. 

Covid thoughts

As I sit here in the midst of my second bout with covid I can't help but get the unsettling feeling that these things will forever be on the hunt for humans. Like tiny assasins, they change their strategy so that when they attack it will be more effective than the last time. 

Here's what I've learned so far from covid. 

I take breathing for granted.

When all of your airways are stopped up like a load of concrete has be introduced into your passages...when the slime infiltrates your lungs while you sleep...you miss being able to breathe freely.

I worry that each time I have this dreaded thing, it chips away at my lungs causing irreparable damage.  

Secondly, I don't think the vaccine does a whole lot. Just my opinion. I've had it.. I got covid..I didn't have it. Still got covid. I see no difference. 

Thirdly. What is the point of so much snot and how can i be so stopped up and yet my nose run like I left the faucet on low?

I think one of my greatest covid accomplishments has been going though an entire normal box of keenex in a day and a half.

This go round covid took out my peanut butter taste buds. Kinda weird. Didn't lose any taste the last time but this time had a yummy bowl of chocolate peanut butter ice cream only to find that each chunk of pb tasted like a salt cube. Unsettling. Why you gonna mess with my pb that way? If I can't have oxygen at least let me have my pb. Rude!

Fourthly

Is there a covid test for teens? You'd have thought I was asking her to cut her face open and sample her brain with the pushback and tears I received over swabbing a nostril. I feel bad but those teen fits are enough to pull a momma from the grave to go and punch her teen in the face for being such a butt. Unnecessary.

Fifthly

I know my children have played a crap ton of Roblox this week. I'm too sick to care. I hope they have reached all the levels because a great Roblox desert is in their future. 

Sixth..ly

I was unaware you could puke pee and poop all at once until this illness. I have apparently lost control of every faculty I had. It's sad but they make adult diapers for this reason I am sure. I'm only 45.

Being 45 is a funny place. I'm not yet what I consider old and yet it's right there..and not too far away. I'm in a place where every single hair appointment, myself and I battle as to whether or not to continue this hair dying routine. If it was instantaneous all white hair..I think I could live with that. But this muddy inbetween crap just makes me feel ugly..and so I dye.

Since i turned 40 my body seems to be on an accelerated decline physically. The skin on my neck is now pooling my collarbone..why is that?! Did I grow a long neck and now it's shrinking? Where did all this come from? My neck has never been fat. What used to be attractive cleavage is a crepe covered collection of skin. My flabby arms..or angel wings as I lovingly refer to them, they just grow into full on eagle wings. Why is gravity so cruel? It's just pulling every part of body towards the earth. My arms, my face, my neck, my boobs, my butt. 

I used to work at a nursing home in college. There i witnessed that any normal person without cosmetic procedure..yep...we are all going to be ugly..but we are ugly together. No one is spared yet some are hit harder than others. The fact that I'm seeing that change...its sad. No one wants to be ugly and wrinkly. Its a good motivation however, to work on the inside. The inside stays beautiful  and can actually enhance one's outward appearance.  I've known some pudgy grandma's that were absolutely beautiful people and I wouldn't change a thing. 

This world we are living in now...they don't have a clue what beauty is. Shallow and self centered. Empty and without purpose. But just like an obstinate teen...they think they have it all figured out.

The further you get down the road..the more you can see the big picture...in everything. 

Last covid thought of the day...I'm gonna pray for these lost souls who think that beauty will save them while I blow my nose for the 9,653 time.

Being Thirteen

 Being thirteen in today's world is not as easy as it used to be. The more time marches on, the worse and worse this world seems to get. Already in 7th grade, my daughter has had to deal with classmates attempting suicide, getting tatoos and nose rings and coming "out" as bisexual. As a momma, this makes my heart so very sad. My girl shouldn't have to deal with those things at this age. She should be enjoying just being a kid, doing school, playing soccer. Instead, she goes to a school where she is ostracized for her conservative beliefs and mocked for her political views. She has no friends to speak of at school and none at church, where she should have a safe group of kids. My heart breaks every day when she comes home telling her tales of people ignoring her or mocking her. 

And so, I'm on a quest to find a new place for my daughter to find solace and peace. Since I cannot take hour out of school, we instead go church shopping. In some ways its exciting, and in some ways, its scary. Will we just find another gathering of people in a clique? Will they truly welcome us fully or is it just show? Am I leading my children into a place where they can grow? Its hard for me to know it all. 

I pray for my daughter's strength. Her happiness. I pray that God brings good people into her life and spares her just a few more years of having to deal with all the nastiness this world throws at us.