Thursday, May 15, 2014

I am not able

Twenty five weeks has started what now at 27 weeks, feels like a downward spiral. I am miserable. I know, I know I shouldn't complain, I should be blissful, I did this to myself, I should just be happy everyone is growing healthy and strong....I know!
But the daily misery of carrying 2 humans is taking its toll on me. This morning at 3 a.m., I woke up starving. I lugged myself out of bed and trudged downstairs, watched TV while I ate my cereal...and watched my midsection shudder as the kids kicked away. They are getting stronger...or madder..not sure which at this moment. It doesn't hurt, but it sure is noticeable nowadays. I would be in such a better state of mind if I didn't feel like I was running on speed one moment and going into a coma the next. If I could sit or stand or lie down with any comfort at all. Nope...not this week. Not tonight. I'm even having trouble writing this blog without somebody being on some type of organ...pressing. I just had a good 30 minute cry in the bottom of my shower. Sometimes you just reach the end.....until you cry it all out and muster some more strength. I love these children...every day I love them more. But I am physically miserable. I feel like such a I shouldn't even be admitting its anti-mommy of me. But it is truth.
As I sit the end of my night - 4 hours being awake, I wonder how I am going to function today. I can't just stay in the bed, I have appointments and people counting on me in different places. Even if I wanted to stay in bed, I'd just spend the whole time tossing around like a Mexican jumping bean. Pillows are too hard, or too soft or too fuzzy...I'm too elevated, not elevated enough...I'm hot..just I have to the babies are awake and having a party......AHHHH!
It's enough to drive a sane woman crazy, which is how I feel right now. Just CRAZY!
So, now I sit on the precipice of 28 weeks..wondering how I will ever get through this. Wondering how much physical misery I can survive without breaking.
It leads me to wonder silly things like, I hear the rain...maybe it's cooler outside...maybe I'll just go sit on the my night shirt...or better yet, just sit in the rain for a bit. But its almost 7 a.m. now and the traffic is picking up and that means witnesses. Besides, my clan with be awake any minute. They'll want to snuggle...except for in no position can I ever be comfortable, so I'll have to get up and get going anyways.
It wasn't this hard with one. Never this hard.
And I wasn't such a crybaby.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

25 weeks

Today I fell in love

Pregnancy. What a process.
It pushes your body to the very edge of what its capable of while still demanding that it function for everyday life. So, it's no wonder that time you see that blip on the screen or even hear the heartbeat, you don't immediately feel what you're supposed to feel as a mother. It's drudgery and survival and lots of pain (at least with my twins). Its the happiest time of your life during which it is hard most times to be happy.
But this morning, at 4 a.m., I woke up. It's an every morning occurrence nowadays. However, not every morning is EVERYONE awake at that hour. I'm not talking Michael or Addison...I'm talking everyone in my body. My barely noticeable flutters have turned into jabs and barrel rolls. Not yet painful, I woke up to this circus going on in my belly...and I the myself. No one gets to feel this but me. No one will ever be as close to these children as I am at this moment. And as I imagined the somersaults they were performing, I loved them. It's reminiscent of the Grinch growing a heart, although I'd like to think I haven't been the pregnancy Grinch per se.
At that moment, I became one with my children and I loved them. As tears fall now, I think about those tiny people who will depend on me, love me, make me laugh and make me angry and already I know they've not only grown my heart, but stolen it. Today I fell in love with my twin boys. The newest men in my life will be here in no time at all and I cannot wait.