No more babies

This is probably the saddest post I've ever written to date. My heart is broken.
The transfer did not work and my two tiny babies are gone. It didn't work........ It didn't work!
I'm sure that I was spoiled in the fact that it worked the first time with Addison. I'm sure that's not typical at all. I keep telling myself, reminding myself that it's such a miracle that she's even here. I know that and in no way does this take away from that beautiful event.
But this morning, I can't sleep.
I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinking that I had nine tiny babies just waiting to be born...and now I have none. Now I have no other chances to be a mommy to my own child. They were sleeping in the lab freezer one day. I'd pay rent for them every year. And the next day, every one of them was gone...just like that!
I worked so hard for those babies. I endured so much to get them and It's not something I can bear to do again.
It's gotta be different if you choose. If you decide, that's it - I'm done, no more kids.
It's totally another thing if it's chosen for you.
The worst part is, I'm a great mother. Michael is a great father. People comment on how much we enjoy our child and how they don't see that in other parents. I'm a GREAT mother! But, there's only one child who will ever know that now. I so wanted her to grow up with a sister or brother. I didn't want her to be all alone when Michael and I pass. I wanted her to have someone out there that she could connect with, share all the burdens with, have a special relationship with that only siblings share.
That baby stage is so fleeting. I've turned around good and she's 2 1/2 already. And I have all this stuff. All this baby stuff, beautiful, pristine boppy's and clothing and equipment - barely used because she was such a perfect baby - no spit ups. Perfectly preserved. I even have a handmade bassinet that will now have to wait for Addison's babies to ever be used again.
I have all this stuff! All these reminders of what I can't have again. And I know this time what I'm missing.
I wish I had pictures of all my embryos, but I just have the three - one from Addison's transfer and the two from this month. There's still the crib in Addison's room...right next to her toddler bed. I left it up just in case. Just in case this worked.
Now I can dismantle it. Sell it at a yard sale or stuff it back in the attic. That bag of maternity clothes in the bottom of my closet, they can go too. I'll never get to feel a baby kick again.
I am a great mother. I just wanted a family.
I know I was tempting fate with the whole process, but it was the only way. Maybe I asked too much.
One of my friends told me, you never know what God's plan is.
No, I don't. And some times it doesn't make a damn bit of sense. Thirteen and fourteen year old teens can get pregnant, but a 34 year old with a home and a business who has the means and the extreme desire....nope.
No, I don't get that at all.
So, this chapter in life closes. I wasn't ready for it to. I am so, so, so sad.
 I wanted Addison to have a little sister or brother to bug her like I did. Someone who comes to help her take care of me when I'm ill later down the road, like my sister did me this past week. Someone to visit her at college or help her move into her first house.
I wanted her to experience the absolute best that there was in being a kid..to have someone to get excited with on Christmas morning...to learn that life isn't always about her...to teach her to share and be generous with her things and her time...to make her appreciate that special connection with a family member. To have the really close family that I've always dreamed about, but never had.
I realize this post is a series of ramblings.
I realize that my life has not really changed at all.
I realize that the only thing that has changed is the potential for life.
But it doesn't seem to help at 6 a.m. on a Tuesday morning with blurry eyes and a pile of tissue beside me on the bed.
I'm a great mommy. We're a great family. I will always mourn the loss of my unborn children. I knew they were there. I was even able to see 4 of them..and have their picture. Do embryos make it to heaven? Maybe when I get there one day, I'll be greeted by 10 beautiful people who call me mother. Maybe I'll get to see them then and I'll rejoice in the fact that I have such a large beautiful family. And I can love every one of them as we sit and talk and hug and kiss. That's how it plays out in my mind.
In the meantime, I will give my daughter the best life possible. There is risk of her being spoiled. There is the possibility that she will never want for anything. But she is my life. Being her mother gave me such purpose that it changed my very being...the essence of who I am.
I am a great mother...because she's a great daughter.