Alex is a singing sensation. He is really so good at mimicking words. We have a CD from his MDO that we sing to every night. He loves that. They both sit in my lap and do the hand motions and sing. Such a precious time and I know it now. I look at Addison who is 8. I can't remember her the last 3 years. I feel like she was 5 just yesterday. I'm sure it had to do with being pregnant and birthing twins, but I am terrified now that I'm not going to remeber these precious moments with the boys either. I may have early dementia. Maybe there's a good explanation...but it doesn't change the fact that I turned around and my little girl is a big girl. I feel like I'm clawing out of a pit with mud walls..trying to hold onto my moments..their moments. If I don't remember this stuff..no one else will.
That's why my blog is so important. I need to remember that 2nd grade was so very difficult for Addison and that she was angry a lot. The school called me twice concerning her hitting people. I need to also remember that even though we had to put her on restriction for a week, we took just her with us to the condo. We talked with her and walked with her and gave her our undivided attention. She had to listen to a lot of lessons and do's and dont's but I'm hoping she felt and heard us every time we told her we loved her.
I also need to admit that times like this I feel like a failure as a parent. When my son beats his brother in the head and laughs...I wonder what I did wrong. Don't try and tell me I haven't failed in many arenas, because I have. There is not enough time in the day to do what I need to do and hold my babies as much as they need. I'm afraid they feel forgotten at different times and I am so sorry in the end.
My struggle inside is sickening as I try and choose what's important each day. Or when I am too damn tired to even care.
These days are few and fleeting and tonight all I feel is the loss of what I can't keep in my head. What I'm forgetting. What I've missed. What I chose instead.
I am struggling with feeling ugly and being overweight. Forty has hit in full force and my metabolism just stopped. I never feel uglier than I do at the beach. I need to take care of myself but I can't seem to justify it or the time it will take away from my kids. I think many moms probably feel this especially with babies or toddlers. You just can't go and do. Overwhelmed by the passage of time tonight, I'm just defeated as to how to fit it all in this life and not let one moment get lost.