Sunday, December 22, 2013

The T word

There are moments in life that take your breath away. Sometimes in a good way and other times in a terrible way. When you lose a loved one unexpectedly it's as if all the oxygen in the room has been sucked out leaving you grasping for breath.
Thursday I experienced this on another level...the good level...the terrifying level.
We went in for our first sonogram since the positive pregnancy test. THE test that would tell us how many eggs took hold.
I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this.
Dr. Servy inserted the probe and bam...there they were. Two separate hollow spots on the screen with a tiny cashew in the middle of each.
He's a slight comedian, Dr. Servy, as he sang part of a Christmas song:
"Do you see what I see?" He was staring right at Michael.
The picture started bouncing was moving because I was laughing. Not quite joyful, but a nervous, can't believe what I'm seeing sort of laugh that shook my whole body and the sonogram picture. Pictures were taken, measurements made and much to my surprise....we could hear heartbeats on both..ALREADY!
That swishing sound was the sound of hope and terror all rolled into one.
After the doctor left, Michael and I looked at each other with wide-eyed wonderment.
"Wow. Two babies. Twins." he said.
And then the gates opened and I cried. More like wept or bawled. It was an ugly cry either way.
Don't get the wrong idea, I was not upset. I was happy.
I was also scared to death!!
So many scenarios of two against one flashed in my mind so rapidly. The realization that I may not sleep soundly for the next year. The overwhelming thought of "Can I handle two at once and maintain my sanity?" So I cried. And cried.
The doctor came back in after 10 minutes or so to check on us and see if we were ever coming out.
I was not naive enough to think that this could not happen, but I was not prepared for the actual reality of it all. Our small family of 3 blossoming into a family of 5. A dream come true really. We would, one day, have that massive Christmas dinner with everyone and their spouses and kids. I would have that large family and plenty of children to love. I would be considered a real mom... a status that sometimes seems elusive because I am only mother to one child.
It took the rest of the day to soak in and every person I told had to participate in another cry fest. But hey, it was therapy. The more I said the word "twins", the more comfortable I was with the concept.
Michael was in shock too. The entire day a fog for him as he tried to maintain normal tasks and come to grip with two babies.
We have talked a lot and are quite confident that we can do this now.
Addison is over the moon excited. She is still very adamant that we have her a sister. For her sake, I hope one of them is a girl or she'll be mad at me for a bit.

My favorite saying from her this week is, "Mommy I'll feed the babies, but you change the diapers. Poo poo is not my favorite."
She cracks me up.
She also told me that God didn't listen. I asked what she meant.
She said "I prayed for one baby (Holding up her finger). God didn't listen."
I assured her that God knows what he's doing and that he gave us two babies because he knew we'd be a great family for them. And that's what I keep telling myself.

So, here I am, consumed every minute of every day with the fact that I am carrying two children. In one respect I glad for the fact because all my pants were already too tight at 6 weeks. I was afraid I was ballooning already. However, with the justification that I have 2 children growing in there, I have confidently already started wearing maternity pants. Goodness I've missed these things. I am pretty sick on a regular basis. The urge to vomit invades my every waking moment. Sometimes I can stave it off, other times it wins. Not fun either way. I do know this. These babies love milk and meat...beef mainly. No sweets, no carbs, no veggies...just meat. I feel live a ravenous carnivore at times. I need my own cows for many reasons at this point.
Here's our first live shot of the TWINS....there's that word again. Whew!


Thursday, December 12, 2013

Another Chapter, Another Wild Ride

Where to start....

November has flown by. With good reason. Michael and I, after much deliberation and negotiation, decided to try one more IVF cycle. We started in November. Not much had changed in the 6 years since I tried with Addison. Since we used up all our frozen embryos on our last attempt, we had to start at the beginning....shots and all.
It wasn't all that bad and the effects were expected at least so we were a little more prepared for the emotional roller coaster that ensued. I think back fondly of my first entries of my blog, originally drafted as therapy as I went through my first IVF cycle.
This time I decided to keep it hush hush in case it didn't work. I realized that so many people were riding the coaster with me and it really was just unneccessary to take them along on the same sort of journey just in case it didn't work. And....I was more prepared to handle it all much better this time.
Dr. Servy has become a personal friend over the years and was excited to get another opportunity to help us once more. Several of the nurses were still there and going to see them each visit was like coming home to family. He reassured me that this time I wouldn't be as sick because he knew how much medecine would overstimulate me and so he had a baseline to go by.
He was right. It was tolerable and there was no hospital visit the weekend after the retrieval. I still produced a whopping 17 eggs. I am a good egg maker.
After fertilization, 13 were viable: 7 were in excellent shape and 6 were in good shape. Everything went so smoothly and I was compliments on exactly how beautifully perfect my embryos were.
Honestly, it scared me. I had some sort of superstitious belief that it wouldn't work unless it was hard..very hard.
This was going so smoothly.
I still managed to keep the process a secret from everyone except Addison's Pre-K class. I did not shield her from the process and every day, she would go to school and update the class on mommy "trying to get a baby." Apparently they prayed for me daily.
Addison prayed too, for a sister. She was adament that she did not want a boy. I told her if she wanted a sister, she needed to talk to God. Each conversation I secretly wished and hoped that I would not have to disappoint her with no baby.
In my heart, it all just felt right. The timing, the process, the desire, the was all there and everything was seeming to go so well. I believed deep down this would work.
Our transfer was November 20th. On December 2nd, I tested positive.
We are now 5 weeks and 5 days along and every person, stranger or not, knows that I have a baby in my tummy thanks to Addison.
Michael is in awe that I am once again carrying his child. Addison is elated and talks incessantly about "the baby". I am cautious of course because it's so early. But the idea is slowly growing on me. It will be more realistic once we have the first sonogram. I really need that visual. Although, I have been so incredibly tired that its hard to function. Then there's the nausea anytime I'm the slightest bit hungry. This mustard seed sized little bit inside me is totally taking over.
It's been 6 years. I've forgotten so much. And I'm excited.