Sunday, April 23, 2017

These are the days to remember

 Alex is a singing sensation. He is really so good at mimicking words. We have a CD from his MDO that we sing to every night. He loves that. They both sit in my lap and do the hand motions and sing. Such a precious time and I know it now. I look at Addison who is 8. I can't remember her the last 3 years. I feel like she was 5 just yesterday. I'm sure it had to do with being pregnant and birthing twins, but I am terrified now that I'm not going to remeber these precious moments with the boys either.  I may have early dementia.  Maybe there's a good explanation...but it doesn't change the fact that I turned around and my little girl is a big girl. I feel like I'm clawing out of a pit with mud walls..trying to hold onto my moments..their moments. If I don't remember this one else will. 
That's why my blog is so important. I need to remember that 2nd grade was so very difficult for Addison and that she was angry a lot. The school called me twice concerning her hitting people. I need to also remember that even though we had to put her on restriction for a week, we took just her with us to the condo. We talked with her and walked with her and gave her our undivided attention. She had to listen to a lot of lessons and do's and dont's but I'm hoping she felt and heard us every time we told her we loved her. 

I also need to admit that times like this I feel like a failure as a parent. When my son beats his brother in the head and laughs...I wonder what I did wrong. Don't try and tell me I haven't  failed in many arenas,  because I have. There is not enough time in the day to do what I need to do and hold my babies as much as they need.  I'm afraid they feel forgotten at different times and I am so sorry in the end. 
My struggle inside is sickening as I try and choose what's important each day. Or when I am too damn tired to even care. 
These days are few and fleeting and tonight all I feel is the loss of what I can't keep in my head. What I'm forgetting. What I've missed. What I chose instead. 
I am struggling with feeling ugly and being overweight. Forty has hit in full force and my metabolism just stopped. I never feel uglier than I do at the beach. I need to take care of myself but I can't seem to justify it or the time it will take away from my kids. I think many moms probably feel this especially with babies or toddlers. You just can't go and do. Overwhelmed by the passage of time tonight, I'm just defeated as to how to fit it all in this life and not let one moment get lost. 

Monday, January 23, 2017

Post Holiday Dribble

You can tell that the holidays have hit. Neglectful to my baby blog.
So here's some updates on my life.
Being 40 sucks in that the evolution of my body since hitting that age seems to be nothing short of a downward spiral. And when I say downward spiral I'm referring mostly to my boobs. Luckily one doesnt lose their winning personality so quickly so I  live on able to joke about my impending disfigurement. I'm pretty sure if I were king of the world tummy tucks and boob jobs would be included on every insurance plan after 40....for the preservation of mental health. I'm sure there's a precedent to be made there...somehow.
What fun was that? Seriously, the best Christmas we've had here in Thurman Manor. Since we are coming put of the baby stage, I can truly confess that many times lately I've thought..twins are great. They always keep each other occupied which is NICE. They learn sharing naturally..or I learn the art of dispersing disputes.  We've recently had to eliminate all wooden puzzles from our lives for fear of toddler concussions.
My dear little William. He has a temper. My naturally snuggly and loving child can flip on a dime to be the demon possessed tiny Godzilla wreaking havoc on all toys and siblings and plates of food in his way. Maybe its the hair...he has a ton of hair..maybe that's what makes him so "passionate" about things. That and the fact he is his sister's literal twin. Those two coined being moody. Addison is 8 and on more than one occasion I've  found her crying in her room, multiples times in one day, for no reason at all. You are 8! This crap shouldn't start until puberty! She's a drama queen too.  Ugh..the teen years we shall have.
At least she's not in the "no" stage. That is William's answer for everything.  everything.  Everything.
Good thing hes so cute.
Now I don't have a favorite kid. I don't. I love them all so much it hurts. But if you as a parent say that you don't like or prefer one kid over another at some time, you're a liar.
Presently Alex is my little angel. He is the least selfish of the bunch. He is kind and shares often. He is the premiere talker..or mocker these days and even though neither of my boys have found it useful to actually speak English yet, he at least tries. In fact, I was recently in the bathroom and I hear what sounds like "mommyyyyyy, where are you?" If was more like "mommmyyyy ere ah oooo?" But I got it. I felt like I cracked the Davinci code or something...I understood what he was saying!!
So happy that we are finally getting there. We are behind all the singletons in our class in the verbal skills...but I Think that's normal for twins.
Alex is a doer...he's a Republican. If he wants something he will find a way to climb and get it and bring it to you. Sometimes that part is very impressive. Sometimes..its scary. 
My other two are clearly democrats who will stand in the middle of the room whining until something is done for them.  I know, I know...stepping on some toes with those analogies but I see what i see.
That pioneer spirit...that's my favorite thing about Alex currently. And he's got an amazing smile.
Christmas, like i said, was amazing. This was Addison's biggest belief year yet. Magic happened at our house and it was so cool to watch her see it. Kids make Christmas. Period.

Saturday, October 1, 2016

There's this girl

There's this girl named Mandy. She's pretty special.  She is the first close girlfriend I've had in a very very long time. She's the kind of friend where there are no holds barred. I don't have to hold back or act good. I don't have to pretend to like something just to have common ground. We can talk for an hour every night of the week and she'll have me laughing histerically in a matter of minutes. She's 10 years my junior and I've even been called her mother before by strangers...but we connect in a way I didn't think was possible anymore. She was there the day my boys came into this world...recording the whole thing. And she puts up with my crazy family just to come and visit. She even does laundry. There is no better friend than one that will wash your dirty underwear.

My bunch of nuts

I'm that mom

I really hope that there isn't cell phone video that will one day loop through the Internet of me trying to get my boys out of mother's day out.  People whip out their phones to record all matter of things these days.  It is truly my fear that I'm going to scroll through Facebook one day to find a video of "that horrid mother" referring to me.
Being a twin has its advantages. You can get away with so much more because there is always the other guy to take mom's attention while you run. On any given day at MDO you will find me "trying" to get my boys the short distance from the classroom to the car. It may as well be the miracle mile. Alex is out the gate first..always. He is the fastest and he could care less if mom follows. As I'm trying to coax William out the door through literally 20 cute little goodbyes to his teachers (he loves to make an exit) Alex has already rounded the corner and shot down the hall. Now, more than once I've caught some mom's face with the question....who's kid is this just running free? Yeah...I saw the look lady..and I'm coming just as fast as I can. I have William in hand but Alex has sprinted down the hall to THE RAMP. I have always felt like this was just poor design to have a handicapped ramp inside the children's wing. There has not been a day that has gone by that my boys have not jockeyed for first position on the ramp so they could run as fast as they can down it and eventually down the entire length of the hall. It doesn't matter if there are other kids or adults traversing said guys will bowl you over in a new York minute.
Seeing his brother is going to win first spot on the ramp, William promptly sits down. This is a toddlers defense mechanism. They will wear you down with this move. With bookbags in hand and cups and artwork, I have to let go of my little dear to try and rearrange so I can urge him further down the hall. This is all a ploy. Because the second me drops and I let go, a spring is activated in his little butt that propels him up and down the hall towards the ramp. Trying to be the good mommy and not make a scene I smile at all the well behaved little darlings passing by as I secretly grit my teeth at mine who are now both atop the ramp, watching and smiling at me. Time I get within an arms length of my devious duo they take off down that ramp. There's a rail..they know if they hug the wall I cannot reach them. Now reaching lightening toddler speeds, the ramp propels them back down the hall in the direction that we have already travelled. I stand there...calling sweetly as they laugh and run..back to their classroom. You have to just wait a moment because some rare times they will peak back around the corner and come running back to me..but that is unlikely. Most likely I will have to walk the miracle mile again only to find them in the director's office flirting. It was the only open door. Here again I try and coax my darlings from the office all the while enduring 20 more little cute goodbyes from William to the director. Here is where the lollipop comes in. For whatever reason, they give them a lollipop as a treat at school. I personally don't think my kids need a treat everyday but's her teaching method, and a nice gesture. It does provide me with the bribe. I literally hold the lollipops out and coax my wild ones down the hall towards the door. It is the only deterrent that will supersede the fun of the ramp. With that bait we make it to door number one. Unfortunately door number one leads to the Chamber of Echos. This foyer between the miracle mile and the outside is every vocal kid's dream. I myself would live to hold a concert in there because the acoustics are amazing so I can't really blame the tots for wanting to hear themselves resounding through the walls.
However, I am on it. I now unwrap the lollipops. Oh the tots cannot resist open candy staring at them. Now it's like a scene from the Walking Dead where all these little arms are groping, reaching for the candy. Alex is the most dexterous. The lollipop is snatched and in his mouth. I almost got them out door number 2 with that one. Door number two may as well be made of lead. It's literally a turn of the century historic old door that was obviously made to stave off intruders during some sort of war. I now have both boys by the hand but jelly legs have set in. My next move is the part where I hope there are never any cameras around. If there were, they would catch me dragging my children like limp dolls through the big door and down the steps. It looks horrible I know.  I'm pretty shocked that we haven't had an arm come out of socket at this point. But I am 100% sure that this is the most horrible picture of parenting that can possibly be taken at this point. You see I have to do this because if I let go, even for one second, the little buggers will shoot back to that cursed ramp and we will start all over again.
Finally, we are out of the building. This is where it's my turn to say "bye." You know what I mean. The "let's pretend I'm going to leave you so you'll follow" routine. We are almost home free..I can see the car. Most of the time it works but again...Alex is in the lead and William lags behind to smile at all the people exiting the building. That's ok at this point because if I have parked close enough, I can throw one in the van and shut the door before the other gets to the sidewalk.
Now, if I don't have the fortune of parking close, we are really in the big leagues because there is actual traffic  and two little devious boys on a wide open sidewalk.
Fear gives you extreme mommy muscles. It is with this fear of my angels getting hit by a car that I am able to grab one in each arm and tote them to the van. Mind's not a pretty tote. I may have one on my hip and one in a barrell hold around his waist. My favorite is the "you're slipping but I'm not letting go therefore giving you an epic diaper wedgie" hold. We make the van.
The street is dangerous. That means everyone gets in the van first before the buckling begins. This also means kid #1 will immediately get in and run to the back of the van. He thinks this is funny because I can't reach him. After kid #2 is secured, it's a crap shoot as to whether the one in the back will come when I  call. I have no more lollipops...I can only count. When I count to three and no one moves, then it's time for "pop pops". Here again I'm hoping that he takes my bluff because I do not feel like crawling in after him. So I count. One....Two..."FREE " he chants with me with a big grin on his face. Sigh. Now I have to put some action into it. One step up into the van usually does it. He takes me seriously enough to submit and come to me.
At last, I have secured my little wild more time...out of the five I will endure just this week.
Car line cannot come fast enough.