Thursday, December 18, 2014

Look outside yourself

I walked into the dentist office today.  Time for a cleaning.  Her chirpy little voice sang that I could come on back.  I looked up to see my hygienist.  She was wearing a peacock blue hat with rhinestones. I'd never seen her in a hat before.  Midway through my compliment on her hat I remembered why she was wearing it.  From the back you could tell she was completely bald.  Chemo and radiation therapy. I remembered then what had flown my mind over the last 6 months since I saw her,  that she had been diagnosed with cancer. 
We all have problems.  Today I was wallowing in mine.  I had cried and felt sorry for myself.  And then I saw that blue hat.  A reminder that everyone has problems.  Everyone has a reason to cry. Whatever is going on in my small little world... Others face trials too... Sometimes impossible mountains.
Suddenly like a switch was flipped,  I can see that I really need to get up out of the mud hole I've made.  Not that I don't have the right or reason to be upset,  just that.... We've all got stuff. 
Sitting in Costco today without the twins,  I am invisible.  With them I cannot go anywhere without being noticed but I can quietly spy.  I can listen.  I can get a peek into snippets of life. There are many well wishers.. The season is upon us.  In fact everyone seems joyful. There are, however,  some more people in blue hats that I just can't see.  I'm sure of it.  There's no telling who is smiling through their pain. 

Monday, December 15, 2014

Catch up

Its been a while.  But I'm not going to be hard on myself.  I am raising twins and a kindergartner now. Days just seem to click away and here we are already at Christmas.
We all survived a tummy bug last month.  Even the babies got it.  Sad, sad  little guys when they're sick. Addison exclaimed that she hated throwing up.  She's never used that word before to describe anything.  She had a right to that night. 
We spent a weekend at Stone Mountain,  out first overnight away from the boys.  Grandma and Papa said they were great and I sure did enjoy the break. Four and a half months straight of around-the-clock care for 2 infants- I needed it.
Then,  Aunt Gina and Uncle Robert kept them this month for a night for their second spend the night in a matter of weeks.  I hope they continue to be good so people want to keep them.. Lol.
The up side to staying at home with the boys is that I know my sons.  I know what calms them,  what they're crying about,  how to hold them... Everything.  And it feels so good.  The down side,  however,  is the feeling like I've lost all conversation skills with adults.  Maybe it's just because I spend most of my days listening for needs.  It's lonely and it's void of any fun topics unless Addison comes home with a doozie from school... Which she most certainly does.  My biggest regret is that I haven't been inspired to write any human interest pieces in  along while.  I need some inspiration!
Some weeks I manage to cram in 5-10 hours at the office too,  but that's maxing out this mama's schedule.  Christmas decorating was at a minimum this year.  I need more help and energy but I managed two topiary trees,  2 wreaths,  2 light-up porch reindeer guarding the walkway and some big ornaments hanging from the porch. Oh,  and the tree and stockings of course. Stockings... We have FIVE this year. Wow what a difference a year can make!
Addison is starting to read. This is really exciting for me to see her brain grasping these words and numbers and sequences. The other night we tag-teamed reading a book.  She would read the words she knew it and I would read all the rest. I can't wait until she starts reading to me!
Since sleep is my constant best friend these days,  I will head on to bed. 

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Flower Girl

Halloween 2014

Here we are..Cruella and the dog catcher and the puppies. We won the family costume contest at the ACC.

Four Months of Cuteness

The evolution of a baby

Children change every single day that first year of life. Already, my boys look totally different than the babies I took home from the hospital. I just wanted to chronicle the first three months and the differences.

Hug your nearest stay-at-home mom

One thing I didn't count on as I emerged into the world of staying at home with my kids, is the level of loneliness it produces. I don't remember feeling this way with Addison, but maybe its because there was only one of her. Some days just keep going...and run together as day turns to night and night turns to day and every few hours I am up. My mornings are not beginnings to anything, they are a recovery period from the night before causing my shower time to be around noon and any activities outside of the house, thereafter. I wish I could say I got to catch up on my shows at least, but the TV never comes on. So, I find myself in this solitary world. Me, these little ones, my daughter and her endless chatter in a routine of sorts that just keeps going...and going. It is a lonely place.
If, per chance, I get a sitter or relief for a while, I am faced with a choice, do I get some much needed sleep? My brain is a chasm of forgetfulness these days. On the one hand I need the sleep desperately for simple functioning purposes. However, there is this need for some connection with people. A chance to get out of my confinement and socialize or do something fun. Always a choice. A hard choice. An impossible choice that no matter how I try and fit it all in, something suffers or the guilt of me not being at home overcomes my relief.
This morning during the 4:30 a.m feeding I am lost in this disdainful lullaby that is playing. It plays constantly while the boys sleep...on repeat...kinda like my life right now. It feels like the background music for this very boring version of Groundhog Day. A day that never ends.
We have reached 3 months now. For 14 weeks I have been doing this and with every week I am celebrating not the fact that my children are reaching milestones, but that this first year is shortening and I have less than 9 months to go before its over. I feel guilty for that. I feel like I'm squandering my supposed joy.
There are moments of joy and wonderment, but the rewards from the boys are few and far between at this stage. I call it the lump stage. At least they are smiling now...the both of them. That gives some measure of pay to my thankless job.
That sounded terrible. I wish it weren't true.
To add icing to this cake, my body is trying to find its equilibrium again. My metabolism has slowed to a crawl. I fear the scales because each time I step on them they seem to go up. I am also losing all that beautiful baby hair I grew in the last 9 months. No amount of vitamins is keeping it on my head. It falls out in handfuls at each shower and I end up finding strands in the most precarious places like my children's diapers. I call it "The great shed." My body hurts from my back to my feet. I wonder if it's from bad nutrition, lack of sleep or just the exiting of those baby hormones. I feel like a 70 year-old getting out of bed.
On top of all this, I am expected to be a pleasant person. I would feel sorry for my husband having to deal with me if I weren't dealing with everything else in flux with a side of loneliness. And so the one person who could be my helper is often slated as my enemy...and the cycle continues. Because who wants to be around a grouchy, balding, pudgy gal who can't remember your name? Yeah. I wouldn't either.
So, just know that new mom with her beautiful baby is hiding a world of hurt behind that smile. And if she is blessed with more than one child at a time, help her...visit her...sit and talk and rock a baby...give her time to be a person and do it consistently. She is dying inside, but can't tell anyone for fear she will be judged.