Keep in mind that everyone's reality is formed from their experiences. Sometimes they are predictable, but sometimes, they are not and the person they become is a far cry from where they started.
In many circumstances, children become what they see. If they see their parent drinking heavily, they follow suit. If they grow up in a family of smokers, they too will smoke. The same goes for swearing and promiscuity and simplifies down to the tiniest details. Do you make your bed? Why or why not?
However, there are people who take that information and use it as a guide of what to NOT do. For instance, my husband hates coffee and cigarettes equally. In a growing age of coffee perfection and baristas popping up on every corner, it's an unpopular opinion to have. I have longed for the length of my marriage for him to start a pot so that I could wake up to that glorious smell. I imagined the two of us sipping a cup and talking on the beach condo balcony. Alas, that will never be. I came to terms with that early on to the point that I donated my new coffee pot from the wedding registry to the local Goodwill a few years into our marriage.
Why does he staunchly hate those two things? It's quite simple. His mother was a chain smoker and drank coffee like water. His mother, who died of lung cancer, is dead and when he smells coffee or cigarette smoke, it takes him back to those memories. The memories of the bathroom full of smoke tinged with coffee aroma after she would get ready for the day are triggered each time he smells those 2 things. As much as I or anyone would hate to admit it, some of our childhood experiences last forever regarding their effect on us...and our coffee. Did he come with a "No coffee" warning label? No, he did not. Did I know I would have to sneak coffee like a druggie? Again, no. After 20 years you do what you gotta do to survive. :) Interestingly enough, his only brother has never smoked either. So in this respect, they both did the opposite of what they saw growing up. Like I said, you never know which way that person will use the experiences given to them. Will they be damaged? Will they be better off than their predecessors? There's no way to really tell.
I often wonder what traumas my children will or have endured that will reflect on who they become. Will my Sunday morning rants about getting ready and hurrying to be on time spook them from wanting to go to church when they're older? Will my lack of cooking skills push them to be better cooks? It really is all a mystery as to what will stick in your child's craw and what will wash over them unnoticed.
I spoke with a friend last week who cited that every now and then she and her oldest grown daughter have a come-to-Jesus meeting where the daughter lays blame on the mom for the way she was treated in situations growing up. These same situations have been a topic of discussion at counseling sessions according to the girl. So the question rises to the top of my brain; is my friend guilty of wrongdoing? Will I ultimately be guilty of wrongdoing against my children? Will I be the cause of their unhappiness or difficulty in relationships? These are all such loaded questions. Considering that friend of mine is the most caring and loving person I have ever met, I would trust her any day and any time with my own children. I would even suspect from listening to her stories of her children, that she did a much better job raising her kids than I am currently doing with mine. My wonderings just lead to more questions and my questions lead to....TERROR that I'm doing everything wrong!
And then I remember a really important word that looms over every wrongdoing I've done or that I've had done to me. A word that gives lenience and forgiveness to the 20-year-old new mother who has no idea what she's doing with these children because there's no class, no books, and all she has to go on is her own experiences. A word that will hopefully remind my children that their mom was STRESSED so often and tried very hard to do things correctly even though she sometimes swore like a sailor.
Grace
That is one of the most powerful 5 letter words in existence. It is about bestowing on someone else forgiveness when they deserve it and more often when they don't. It involves the giver not even being asked for it. It comes with maturity and the ultimate example is set through faith in Jesus. Most people whether they are or are not a believer, consider it a good thing for someone to forgive a wrongdoing and move on without expecting consequences. However, it is easier for a believer to swallow because they have been given the most grace and have fully accepted the gift.
Today, I pray for you to give grace to someone and for someone to give grace to you. I pray that the fear of your failures and shortcomings are met at some point with the gift of grace from someone you've wronged. And...I pray that for me too. Lord, let these kids get over whatever trauma I've put them through. Let them find You and their source of grace so that they will be able to use all of those experiences to shape themselves for something better. Something greater. Something stronger. Amen.
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