So last night I start my reminder chants to my boys ,"Go take a bath. Wash your face..brush your teeth." Alex complies and William is missing. He is quiet. He is hiding. I wait. I call. No William. Alex goes into our 2-person shower to start his bathing. I find William who is crying. "I don't want to take a shower with Alex!" I question why. They have been together for 10 years..rarely apart. Baths and all have been a duo task their entire life. But tonight William refuses. "Why don't you want to go ahead and take a shower?" I ask.
"I don't want to see Alex!"
If you are thinking they had a fight, that's where my head was going too. I try to pry into the situation to see what Alex did to him.
Turns out..it was nothing. Alex hadn't done a thing wrong. William was conscious, for the first time, that he didn't want to see his brother without clothes and he didn't want to be seen without clothes. Why this hit today..no clue. But it hit and it hit me hard. It has begun. The turning of the tide...the transition of my boy child into "growing up." Like a flood it all attacked my future at once. That snuggly boy will need me less and less. He is starting to think of life without me. And then the tears began to fall. I didn't just cry. I wept. I know the path of men. I know that it is likely they will grow up and be gone. They will cling to their wife and her family and then his own family. I will become a holiday visit to plan. William, seeing my grief, came over to hug me and in the most understanding and aware maturity he told me, "Don't worry Mom. I'll come back for the holidays." I wept more. It will be Christmas and birthdays. It will be that I will no longer be a part of his everyday life. It broke my heart. I wasn't ready for the beginning of this growth to start right now! I'm not ready!
The older i get, the more i seem to have these "Aha!" moments in the middle of a random day that will take me to my knees.
That little boy came back to his Momma after his bath to hug me and make sure I would be ok. He laid in my arms as I realized this is short-lived. He was wise beyond his years that night as he held his weeping mother and comforted her heart. I am sure this is a picture foreshadowing a scene in our future.
I also thought of my own parents and the lack of time I carve out for them in my busy life and I felt deep guilt. Althougg this perspective was painful, I realized that kids move out so you can turn around and take care of your own parents as they reach their elder years. I will have things to focus on except it won't be the starting of life, it will be coordinating the end of life and doing my best to show my parents, through taking care of them, that I love them dearly. It's a lot. It's a LOT! I kissed my son and dried my tears. I blew my nose and prayed that God would hold me through these times I am going to face. They are coming.
