Regret

I went to my college roommate's daughter's wedding today. I don't really know her...the daughter. I'm so sad that I don't. I think back to the day she was born. We hurried to the hospital to see that tiny little preemie. She turned out to be the only child my friend had due to complications. I remember them as new parents and that little 6 month old who cried if her mama and daddy left her in a strange room. Of course we knew it all back then..never having had a child of our own. We had all the advice..let her cry. Then my friend showed up when my Addison was born. There to greet me at the house as we came home from the hospital was the best friend I'd ever had. Fast forward to a year and some months old when we visited them at their house. It was a mere 2 hrs away but ever distant as the years grew longer. Over time my friend and I were so busy with our own lives that calls weren't returned and texts weren't answered. Every attempt I felt was ignored and so I stopped. I stopped writing and I stopped calling and the years just ticked by faster and faster. Today I went to hug that little girl who is 22 now. She is the same age as we are years married. And that hug overflowed into my eyes and down my cheeks. I know she didn't understand. I know she was puzzled by the tears because we didn't even know each other. I needed to speak....I needed to give her an explanation. I hugged her again and managed to whisper.."I'm so sorry I didn't get to see you grow up." All the accolades her friends and family had to say about her painted the picture of a truly admirable person. Even her mother, my roommate, said she didn't deserve to be her mother. And I missed it all. I was hurt about my friend's busyness and lack of communication and so I stepped away. I regret that now. I regret that my children don't know them. I regret I missed all the birthdays and the milestones of her childhood. I regret I gave up. Today I felt all of this. I was here because my friend had started reaching back out to me. We talk now. We text. We even visit. But I've never known that child and I'm so sorry about it. I don't know if she grasped any of it..it was quite a wonderful day for her and I didn't plan to cry as we hugged. It just came out. Today I felt the loss of all the years and I could only catch a glimpse of that little one I last saw long ago when she was 5 or 6. Don't let your pride get in the way lest you feel this immense regret too. I rarely if ever have felt this way about anything in my life. I don't want to feel this way ever again.