Friday, August 11, 2017

I have a problem

I admit it. This week I was anxious and stressed and not for any particular reason. There was one thing that calmed me down and I indulged to the fullest. Every minute I sat there and took it in was a moment of escape and pure emotional relaxation. I binge watched The Twilight Saga.
I have an incredibly sucky memory. I'm not sure if its just full...if I'm not purging the right files....or if I'm just logging everything in under the wrong search words, but I cannot remember a lot. With that being said, watching the entire series of movies was almost as good as seeing them for the first time. Except this time, I didn't have to wait a year in between movies. I could follow the storyline, see the nuances, feel the emotions from film to film. I remember reading the books and not being able to put them down, reading well into the morning some weekends. However, for as bad an actress as I think Kristen Stewart is in general, she found her groove by the second movie. They all did. And then it was really dramatic and emotional magic for me. I dove in with all of my being and dug my claws in every moment of angst, every "I love you," every outburst of rage. I cried. A lot. Of course, I may have already been there due to the anxiety, but I felt all the feels the movies could offer.
I am a grown woman, I understand that. I know that at 41 I shouldn't be so simple as to revel in movies that were based on a book I found in the teen section of the library. But it is my secret, simple, guilty pleasure.
I don't think I feel all the feels in real life. Not the ones that make you feel like you can't breathe without another human. The ones that would cause me to fling myself off of cliffs. I'm not that dramatic first of all and secondly, life is too harsh. I spend too much time worrying if I spent enough quality time with my kids aside from work and obligations. Does my husband need attention? I haven't called my best friend in two days much less my own sister! I would love to make friends with this woman, but my children won't be quiet enough so that I can even carry a conversation. So I sit there, longing for friendship, but captive by my limited schedule, limited general availability, limited time to do so.
There are thousands of thoughts that ping through a woman's head all day long. And it includes the whole gambit; work, home, kids, relationships, health, vacations, appointments, obligations,......!!!! The pinging is real and it will wear you down. Wear you frail until you are the mom who is at the pool with your kids in order to provide the appropriate amount of fun in their lives, who will go out to eat with your husband once again because that's his hobby, who while at the pool is answering emails and texts both business and personal, one after another. You're the woman who put on so many hats in one day that you can't remember who you really are anymore, much less have time to explore it anymore. That's the lonely woman who indulges in her secret pleasures of sitting square in the middle of the king bed with 17 pillows and a box of tissues, ready to collapse into a world of teenage love wrought with vampires and wolves.
And I'm ok with that.
Until I have time to find myself again, I'll settle for watching impossible situations in fairy tale movies, late at night after the kids are asleep, in secret. Shhhhhhhh.