Too Much

The world is still up in arms over covid-19. Now we're trying to start school.  They've postponed for another month to start the day after labor day. All I know is this. . .I cannot  maintain my sanity if school does not get back in session. I don't know how other mothers are but I have had my kids constantly since April. There are usually camps and VBS. We usually have a break from each other but not this year. My parents came down with the virus. Addison was there with them. She has been with them since July 1st. They finished their fevers on July 18th. Today I had my daughter tested so we can possibly get her home. 

Although, when she gets home..what is there for her? I am busy trying to work. Dad is busy with the campaign. The poor boys are secluded to their computers for learning programs daily. At lunch they go home and watch movies. There is no outdoor time anymore. It is too stifling. The heat adds to my misery. I have been here before. At the edge..teetering...peering over. I have been able to step away. However each time I find myself back here, I wonder if I'll  be able to hold it together. I mostly just want to fall apart. I curled up in a ball under my desk today. I cried and hugged my knees. I just wanted to hide and be invisible. I am beyond tired and I cant ever catch up. I am beyond behind and I can never catch up. I have given and given until I am dry. I am fat and all I want to do is eat and sleep. I'm sure that's the textbook definition of depression. I know I am. I cannot get out of it though. Not today. I sit now at karate breathing my own fumes in this damn mask. I hate them so very much. But the boys need something..some activity to look forward to. I have to think about laundry and dinner and I'm just done. Neither will get done today. Poor children. McDonald's for lunch..pb&j for dinner. All I think about is escaping this version of my life. Walking away. I wonder if others feel like they are trapped in the movie Groundhog Day. No end in sight.