Will:always in his own time

This boy finally lost his front tooth at lunch during school. He said I ate a muffin and it just fell out. 

When time has run out

What do you say to someone who is dying. I've often put myself in the situation as the person who has been told that they only have so much time left. Not ever has it been this close to home. Not yet anyways. This is the text I sent my husband after I got off the phone with Mr. Clark.

Michael,

Paul called me today. He sounded feeble..but asked how we were doing first of all. I could tell he had things to say. So I listened as he told me about how the screws that they had put in his leg sheered off. Half in one part of the bone..half in the other. They didn't do surgery because the rod was still keeping things in place. However, he told me that if he had to face a pain like that again, he would go ahead and kill himself. He told me it wasn't looking good and that he needs some sort of hospice at this point...some end of life program. He wants to see you. He said he has a lot of stuff to give you. Things that will just get thrown away when he dies. I assured him that we will be by to see him next week. I told him that I loved him...and I didn't know what else to say. He said that telling him that went a long way. I'm bawling my eyes out right now because this man has always been more than nice to me. He has always given us a Christmas gift and bought gifts for the kids. I don't have a negative thing, from my experience, to say about him...not that I can form words right now. I need for this to be a priority for you too next week because a dying man counts you as one of his closest friends and wants to give you his things.

They don't make men like Paul anymore. Rough and tumble. Hard as nails yet soft as a kitty, all rolled into one daunting package. He loves to ride his motorcycle. He loves camping on the lake in his camper. He really would do anything for you if he could. However, in his younger days, you wouldn't want to cross him. I'm sure he was quite intimidating with that growly low voice that came from smoking too many cigarettes. I only knew the soft Paul. The Paul that was always courteous to me and still had a hint of gentleman in and amongst the tough stuff. A carpenter who sweated through enough summers to earn his degree in hard work. A man with a talent who helped us renovated many houses and build the business we have today. A forever thoughtful man. That's what I will remember the most. 

Too Much

The world is still up in arms over covid-19. Now we're trying to start school.  They've postponed for another month to start the day after labor day. All I know is this. . .I cannot  maintain my sanity if school does not get back in session. I don't know how other mothers are but I have had my kids constantly since April. There are usually camps and VBS. We usually have a break from each other but not this year. My parents came down with the virus. Addison was there with them. She has been with them since July 1st. They finished their fevers on July 18th. Today I had my daughter tested so we can possibly get her home. 

Although, when she gets home..what is there for her? I am busy trying to work. Dad is busy with the campaign. The poor boys are secluded to their computers for learning programs daily. At lunch they go home and watch movies. There is no outdoor time anymore. It is too stifling. The heat adds to my misery. I have been here before. At the edge..teetering...peering over. I have been able to step away. However each time I find myself back here, I wonder if I'll  be able to hold it together. I mostly just want to fall apart. I curled up in a ball under my desk today. I cried and hugged my knees. I just wanted to hide and be invisible. I am beyond tired and I cant ever catch up. I am beyond behind and I can never catch up. I have given and given until I am dry. I am fat and all I want to do is eat and sleep. I'm sure that's the textbook definition of depression. I know I am. I cannot get out of it though. Not today. I sit now at karate breathing my own fumes in this damn mask. I hate them so very much. But the boys need something..some activity to look forward to. I have to think about laundry and dinner and I'm just done. Neither will get done today. Poor children. McDonald's for lunch..pb&j for dinner. All I think about is escaping this version of my life. Walking away. I wonder if others feel like they are trapped in the movie Groundhog Day. No end in sight.

Sometimes I forget

This was Aunt Pat. My husband loved his Aunt Pat like a mother. This picture was taken the last time she really traveled. She came to Georgia almost 12 years ago to help me for two weeks with my first born baby. She died a couple of years ago. I sometimes forget that fact. I forget that she's not still living in Las Vegas, waiting for us to come on our bi-annual trip. Before kids we went as often as we could, but after kids, Michael would go alone just so he could see her. There is something very common that runs in the Thurman family: Stubbornness. To get these two in a room discussing any sort of matter was an event in itself. But like I said, it runs in that gene pool. Luckily Michael knew when to stop and then he'd go over and hug on his aunt and tell her he loved her. 
When I see this picture that sits on my computer desktop, I'm reminded of 2 things: Aunt Pat is gone and she was and important part of our life that is desperately missed. Secondly, there are few things that bring out this genuine happiness in my husband. With a ridiculous schedule including work and campaign, he rarely has time to smile this smile. However, here he was the happiest. In this picture I can remember simpler times and new beginnings. Its genuine and true happiness.

Callie

This girl! I found an ad on Rescueme.org. It read, "she's a very intelligent dog who understands every word you say."

That with the cutest pic of what looked like a golden retriever.... Was all I needed. We met and took her home the next day. To say she is the most loving, gentle, docile, well-tempered dog.. Is an understatement. She sleeps a lot... Like a cat! She follows me everywhere like my shadow and whines for me when I leave. But she hasn't barked once. She is  soft and beautiful and such a fortunate find. Born February 4th 2019. I put this here so I'll remember the date. I hope. We have an extra long life with you my dear Callie. I believe God led us to her. I really do. 

I'm no teacher

Where to start? We went into quarantine after the world shut down and they told me I have to be a teacher. At the end of the first day... I cried my eyes out. I then hired help. Since then things have gotten smoother. The teachers have gotten used to distance learning as have the kids and I. This week they told us they would cut the year short ending it on May 8th. I didn't know you could do that. We have been to school. So few days in retrospect. We were out earlier in the year because of hurricanes which drove the victims to our schools for shelter and closed down schools for a week. And now..

We just stop. 

I think it's a surrender.. Waiving the white flag. There are so many that don't have the time to teach the kids. They work to... They don't have money to hire help. So many kids have already been out of school. I do know that I will never again forgo a teacher's Christmas present. Those people deserve everything they make and then some. What a hard job. And why you would choose to home school?! Beyond my comprehension.

On the flip side, we have time. Time was becoming this elusive things that we never had enough of. Between school. And sports and clubs and church. Time was sparse. But now we have it. Forced time together. We've learned Rummy. We have famy movie nights. We take walks. We make fires. Lots of wonderful child chatter happens around a fire... When the TV is off and their little minds get to spinning. Lots of teaching mome ts about why fire burns and consumes and needs oxygen or why the marshmlow grows 5 times its size when it gets burned. We talk about stars and planets... About why it's night and where the sun goes. There are group hunts for the perfect roasting stick a d independence when one takes the flashlight out into the dark to search for one alone. There are games of swinging in the night and talks of future camp outs. Eventually Alex will tell me I'm the best fire builder ever! And each kid will practice their manners on their own as they agree with him and thank me for buying marshmallows and making a fire. Lots of time well spent is what this virus has provided this family. I miss shopping and eating out but we carry out a lot. So many meals at home I've lost count. But also lots of cookies baked together and chores being learned. Useful skills like how to clean the kitchen are taught or clothes washing 101. It's been a good thing for our family. I feel closer to my husband and not alone in this parenting thing. That's nice.

As much as I love and miss TJ Maxx, I've learned how little we actually need and I've enjoyed getting to know my family again. 

The Walk

Know where useful chatter happens with kids? On walks. We've been going on walks through neighborhoods in our campaign t-shirts because there's not much else to do as far as campaigning. I usually lag behind with the littles. William asks me if I have Jesus in my heart. I SAY YES. Alex makes his way over to listen to our conversation. William says.. Mommy how do you get Jesus into your heart. I say.. You have to believe that he's the one true God who died on the cross to take away your sins because it was a price too big for you to pay., And then you have to simply ask him to come into your heart and be the leader of your life. I tried to simplify because I'm talking to little people and my big church words won't make sense. He says ok but what do you SAY to God? I said you just pray like you're talking to him.. Just like you talk to me... You say dear God... And little William repeated dear God. Then I said, I want to make you the most important person in my life.... And he repeated every word just seconds behind me. And I want to ask If you'll come into my heart and live in me. And he finished right behind me... Amen. Little Alex sidles up to us and says, I just say God will you come into my heart... That's all I say mom. I said.. Well if you're sincere then that's all you need to say. And we kept on walking and talking. Was it their salvation moment?  I don't know. They are small. Was I five when I got saved? Yes.. According to mom. But I didn't grasp it until college. I didn't feel God until then. But I lived a very good and obedient life until college because of my salvation at five. Who knows?Only God but how special was that Walk?