Pre baby blues

"34 weeks..49 inches around . Way too many people asking me how I feel... If I'm ready for twins... I can't be angry although I want to.  It's not their fault.  They don't know... They aren't carrying 2 humans.  I am so miserable and more often than not.  I lose it.  I lose all composure and I bawl my eyes out.  I cannot turn over in the bed without pain and if I lay in one side too long my ribs feel like they're gonna break. But I can't lay on my back... Or I'll literally pass out.  I am so uncomfortable I almost can't stand it.  I am torn between wanting the babies to stay in to be healthy and wishing them out so I can be out of this condition. I cannot breathe... I cannot walk to the car.  I am so fatigued I literally would lie on the sidewalk if I had to.  This is the side of pregnancy they don't talk about.. The dark side... The alone side.  Because you are the only one that can and will experience it.  It is your curse and your blessing... And yet it is only just beginning.  After they are born,  I will be responsible for them and their care and their nourishment even before I am naturally able to recover properly from surgery. This is not pretty and you can tell I am in a low place tonight where there are no roses.  I want to get up and be able to walk downstairs for a glass of water without resting at the couch on the way. "

That was the other night. I wrote it and I left it. I'm better today. My daughter is at the beach with her grandma and papa so it's mine and Michael's Babymoon. Our last hurrah before the boys get here. Its nice and weird being alone....having half the responsibility as usual. Dinner was sandwiches. Last night we stayed out until nearly 11 p.m. to see a movie. Just different...odd...foreign. You get used to the confinement of children and the rules, the bedtimes, the restrictions. The only holdback this time is this enormous belly I'm carrying around. It's like it's own planet!
I can clearly feel which child is doing what these days. I've almost determined what name I want each to have based on their activity. They are already quite different in their behavior. One of them is gonna be a mess! Right after his daddy.