This is probably the saddest post I've ever written to date. My heart is broken.
The transfer did not work and my two tiny babies are gone. It didn't work........ It didn't work!
I'm sure that I was spoiled in the fact that it worked the first time with Addison. I'm sure that's not typical at all. I keep telling myself, reminding myself that it's such a miracle that she's even here. I know that and in no way does this take away from that beautiful event.
But this morning, I can't sleep.
I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinking that I had nine tiny babies just waiting to be born...and now I have none. Now I have no other chances to be a mommy to my own child. They were sleeping in the lab freezer one day. I'd pay rent for them every year. And the next day, every one of them was gone...just like that!
I worked so hard for those babies. I endured so much to get them and It's not something I can bear to do again.
It's gotta be different if you choose. If you decide, that's it - I'm done, no more kids.
It's totally another thing if it's chosen for you.
The worst part is, I'm a great mother. Michael is a great father. People comment on how much we enjoy our child and how they don't see that in other parents. I'm a GREAT mother! But, there's only one child who will ever know that now. I so wanted her to grow up with a sister or brother. I didn't want her to be all alone when Michael and I pass. I wanted her to have someone out there that she could connect with, share all the burdens with, have a special relationship with that only siblings share.
That baby stage is so fleeting. I've turned around good and she's 2 1/2 already. And I have all this stuff. All this baby stuff, beautiful, pristine boppy's and clothing and equipment - barely used because she was such a perfect baby - no spit ups. Perfectly preserved. I even have a handmade bassinet that will now have to wait for Addison's babies to ever be used again.
I have all this stuff! All these reminders of what I can't have again. And I know this time what I'm missing.
I wish I had pictures of all my embryos, but I just have the three - one from Addison's transfer and the two from this month. There's still the crib in Addison's room...right next to her toddler bed. I left it up just in case. Just in case this worked.
Now I can dismantle it. Sell it at a yard sale or stuff it back in the attic. That bag of maternity clothes in the bottom of my closet, they can go too. I'll never get to feel a baby kick again.
I am a great mother. I just wanted a family.
I know I was tempting fate with the whole process, but it was the only way. Maybe I asked too much.
One of my friends told me, you never know what God's plan is.
No, I don't. And some times it doesn't make a damn bit of sense. Thirteen and fourteen year old teens can get pregnant, but a 34 year old with a home and a business who has the means and the extreme desire....nope.
No, I don't get that at all.
So, this chapter in life closes. I wasn't ready for it to. I am so, so, so sad.
I wanted Addison to have a little sister or brother to bug her like I did. Someone who comes to help her take care of me when I'm ill later down the road, like my sister did me this past week. Someone to visit her at college or help her move into her first house.
I wanted her to experience the absolute best that there was in being a kid..to have someone to get excited with on Christmas morning...to learn that life isn't always about her...to teach her to share and be generous with her things and her time...to make her appreciate that special connection with a family member. To have the really close family that I've always dreamed about, but never had.
I realize this post is a series of ramblings.
I realize that my life has not really changed at all.
I realize that the only thing that has changed is the potential for life.
But it doesn't seem to help at 6 a.m. on a Tuesday morning with blurry eyes and a pile of tissue beside me on the bed.
I'm a great mommy. We're a great family. I will always mourn the loss of my unborn children. I knew they were there. I was even able to see 4 of them..and have their picture. Do embryos make it to heaven? Maybe when I get there one day, I'll be greeted by 10 beautiful people who call me mother. Maybe I'll get to see them then and I'll rejoice in the fact that I have such a large beautiful family. And I can love every one of them as we sit and talk and hug and kiss. That's how it plays out in my mind.
In the meantime, I will give my daughter the best life possible. There is risk of her being spoiled. There is the possibility that she will never want for anything. But she is my life. Being her mother gave me such purpose that it changed my very being...the essence of who I am.
I am a great mother...because she's a great daughter.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Oh what a night
It's 3am-ish on Saturday night....make that Sunday morning. I'm listening to my mother snore over the constant sound of her oxygen mask. We've been in the hospital about 30 hours now. Thank God my sister is in town. She has the day shift.
What a night. Sandra was in town, dad had been in the hospital all week, underwent two surgeries and was supposed to be released Saturday morning. Friday night my mother stepped off the front steps of my guest house and twisted her foot...nearly off. It's incomprehensible to me exactly how she did what she did, but the result was hideous. Even worse was hearing that scream as I stepped out my side door. What is that? Please God don't let it be mom. Mom? MOM! Where are you? It's dark, can't see. Oh Mom! What happened?! Mom, it's gonna be ok, it's gonna be ok. Oh shit. No, don't look, you don't want to look.
There is something wholly unnatural about seeing your parent in that much pain. The first time it happens is paramount to getting hit in the chest with a line drive.
So here we sit, in University hospital, a dislocation, 3 breaks, one sprain and one foot surgery later. Me in the role of caretaker and her in the role of helpless. I've witnessed the most real and tender moment between my parents as my dad was discharged from the 6th floor and wheeled to the 10th. Found out later, he'd already gotten his nurse to bring him to his wife earlier, IV pole and all, that morning in the wee hours after a tired duo of daughters broke the news to him about what had occurred. In the back of my mind my life duties loom. Taxes due on Tuesday, broker exam, my two year-old, my possibly growing babies...
And in the front, the care of two recovering parents, one of which cannot walk. I am thankful for my husband and sister and grandmother... invaluable assets this weekend. And to the other Thurmans for keeping my baby in a state of ignorant, playful bliss this weekend. I think I'm going to have a small cry, because I haven't yet, and try out this couch- bed- chair thingy one more time. Goodnight all.
What a night. Sandra was in town, dad had been in the hospital all week, underwent two surgeries and was supposed to be released Saturday morning. Friday night my mother stepped off the front steps of my guest house and twisted her foot...nearly off. It's incomprehensible to me exactly how she did what she did, but the result was hideous. Even worse was hearing that scream as I stepped out my side door. What is that? Please God don't let it be mom. Mom? MOM! Where are you? It's dark, can't see. Oh Mom! What happened?! Mom, it's gonna be ok, it's gonna be ok. Oh shit. No, don't look, you don't want to look.
There is something wholly unnatural about seeing your parent in that much pain. The first time it happens is paramount to getting hit in the chest with a line drive.
So here we sit, in University hospital, a dislocation, 3 breaks, one sprain and one foot surgery later. Me in the role of caretaker and her in the role of helpless. I've witnessed the most real and tender moment between my parents as my dad was discharged from the 6th floor and wheeled to the 10th. Found out later, he'd already gotten his nurse to bring him to his wife earlier, IV pole and all, that morning in the wee hours after a tired duo of daughters broke the news to him about what had occurred. In the back of my mind my life duties loom. Taxes due on Tuesday, broker exam, my two year-old, my possibly growing babies...
And in the front, the care of two recovering parents, one of which cannot walk. I am thankful for my husband and sister and grandmother... invaluable assets this weekend. And to the other Thurmans for keeping my baby in a state of ignorant, playful bliss this weekend. I think I'm going to have a small cry, because I haven't yet, and try out this couch- bed- chair thingy one more time. Goodnight all.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Is it Thursday?
This week has been a blur. I've managed to fit a lot in this month and if all goes well, it will probably be the most productive month of my life. After 2 months of broker classes, 6.5 hours of straight studying and 3 hours taking the exam, I passed the class exam tonight with an 87. Tuesday is my tax appointment so tomorrow starts the dash for tax preparation. That, along with the embryo transfer, will make for a super duper mega productive month.....if it all works.
I'm worried that my babies didn't take. I hate not knowing. I hate not being able to tell if they've held on or if they're gone. I'm tempted to take a pregnancy test, but I feel like that's cheating for some reason. That and I secretly brace myself for the worst. Can you strike gold twice? In some respects I feel like I'm asking God too much for a second go at motherhood. But He did take my other embryos home and He did leave me with just 2 viable ones to implant. Two is all they wanted...all they needed to give me a really good chance. Now to live till the 25th.
I'm worried that my babies didn't take. I hate not knowing. I hate not being able to tell if they've held on or if they're gone. I'm tempted to take a pregnancy test, but I feel like that's cheating for some reason. That and I secretly brace myself for the worst. Can you strike gold twice? In some respects I feel like I'm asking God too much for a second go at motherhood. But He did take my other embryos home and He did leave me with just 2 viable ones to implant. Two is all they wanted...all they needed to give me a really good chance. Now to live till the 25th.
Monday, March 14, 2011
A lullaby
I've been pretty silent about our second fertility attempt thus far. It's been a lot easier than the first time, but not without some ups and downs. Most of the downs are directly in proportion to the amount of hormones that I'm ingesting and shooting daily. But all in all, easy. Today was our FET (frozen embryo transfer). We've been talking back and forth discussing the options we would have regarding our leftover embryos. In my mind, we thaw two - I've still got 7 left. That's a lot of potential babies.
Unfortunately that's not how it worked. Lying on the table, they informed me that they had to thaw all of the embryos to get the 2 that were viable. I'd never thought before that this would be the case...I mean, I had so many. So, the dilemma has disappeared as to what to do with the remainders. On the other hand, I had not realized that this could be our one last shot at being parents again. I cried on the way home and again in my bed, at the loss of my tiny babies...my seven little embryos. They deserve at least a tear or two for not having made it in this world. As it turns out, this gives an entirely new perspective on the possibility of twins. They don't look half bad when it's the end of the fertility road.
Here are the surviving and hopefully thriving babies.
Unfortunately that's not how it worked. Lying on the table, they informed me that they had to thaw all of the embryos to get the 2 that were viable. I'd never thought before that this would be the case...I mean, I had so many. So, the dilemma has disappeared as to what to do with the remainders. On the other hand, I had not realized that this could be our one last shot at being parents again. I cried on the way home and again in my bed, at the loss of my tiny babies...my seven little embryos. They deserve at least a tear or two for not having made it in this world. As it turns out, this gives an entirely new perspective on the possibility of twins. They don't look half bad when it's the end of the fertility road.
Here are the surviving and hopefully thriving babies.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Warm winter days
Circus
The greatest show on earth came to town. I had wondered how Addison would like the performers and the lights and the loud music. Turns out she was a champion circus attender. She cheered, she screamed, she got excited. In short, she loved it!
There were definitely some favorite moments, all of which included the animals. Elephants were here all time favorite with the lions coming in a close second. She said goodbye to the lions for 5 minutes after they'd left the arena.
To say Addison is fun at this age is a huge understatement. She's amazingly entertaining and I am in awe as more and more of her words are coming together to form actual sentences. My favorite word of the month is "ponytail"...pronounce by Addison, "po-ya-tay-ya!" She's managed to add a syllable. Too cute!
Here's some photos from the circus. I'm still convinced you could hear my child over the crowd calling for her beloved "elesants!"
There were definitely some favorite moments, all of which included the animals. Elephants were here all time favorite with the lions coming in a close second. She said goodbye to the lions for 5 minutes after they'd left the arena.
To say Addison is fun at this age is a huge understatement. She's amazingly entertaining and I am in awe as more and more of her words are coming together to form actual sentences. My favorite word of the month is "ponytail"...pronounce by Addison, "po-ya-tay-ya!" She's managed to add a syllable. Too cute!
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