5 Years!

Today....I hurt! Something is definitely going on in there. I hope the aching is part of it all. I see the Doc again tomorrow, so I'll ask. I think we're getting close to THE day. This is all so subjective that it keeps me on edge. On to happy times. Despite my aching abdomen (which is swollen even more today), tomorrow is my 5th wedding anniversary. Can you believe it? I have enjoyed year 4 of marriage more than any other we've had. These past few months have been just as magical as the first ones back in 2003. It's fun to be giddy in love again..to have those warm fuzzies at his touch. I love that when I look at Michael, I'm overwhelmed with this intense admiration and deep longing to be near him and with him. I never get tired of him, I'm never bored, I'm never ever wishing I were wish anyone else. So, Happy Anniversary to us. We've come a long way and it's been great.

Feels Like Contractions

I went to the doctor again today and started shot #3. This one is really exciting in the fact that I get to mix it first. I'm feeling like a regular nurse these days. There's no shot I can't handle!(trumpets sound, my cape flapping in the wind)

My doctor visits are getting closer and closer together. I like to think of it as my fertility contractions. The closer the visits get, the closer we are to baby. In the end, I'll be going every day so they can monitor when the time is exactly right to do the "eggstraction". LOL

I'm in a good mood today! Hallelujah! It's about time.

Here's a tidbit I learned about the embryologist that will be doing all the work. She's an Asian lady who's been in the business 20 years. A very nice lady and apparently very dedicated to her job. I was told that she will spend the night at the lab if she has to, to ensure that everything happens at precisely the right time. I was also told that she likes to think of herself as......your very first baby sitter. That just gives me warm fuzzies. :)
For more information about the whole in vitro process, I found this illustrative video:
http://www.sumanasinc.com/webcontent/animations/content/invitrofertilization.html

Excitement at home

On a side note today. I have to tell about our eventful evening yesterday. In a nutshell, a burglar broke into Michael's truck. Michael fired at the man and then tried to follow him as he ran down the street. The man called 911 himself to report that he'd been shot in the leg. He had stolen our GPS from the truck and had it on him when they found him. The amusing part of it all is the picture of Michael, standing on the porch in his undies, yelling at our intruder. The amazing part of it is that Michael protected us and our house. I am proud of him for being that kind of man. I'm excited that he will be that kind of father. You can read the story here :http://www.wjbf.com/midatlantic/jbf/news_index.apx.-content-articles-JBF-2008-01-29-0005.html
or see video here: http://www.wrdw.com/home/headlines/14598997.html

I'm smiling...really

I am eager for Tuesday. Follistem burns. I took a small road trip Saturday and all I could do in the silence of the drive was ask God to please, please, please let this work, over and over. There's a bit of childish superstition at play there...if I think it hard enough, it will happen. I'm pretty sure that I'm swelling up too. Clothes are getting painfully tight. All that said, I'm trying to fight what feels like depression, but is probably surges of hormones at work. It's the best reason I have for spontaneously breaking out in tears lately.

A Mother Hen

Here's the count...14 eggs on the left side and 10 on the right. That is apparently pretty good according to the doc. I think they try and take out around 16 or so. He's trying to keep me from producing somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 eggs. That's called overstimulation and it's a problem PCOS gals have. We don't want that. We are now living from Thursday till Tuesday..that's my next visit. Until then I get one shot in the morning of Lupron, 1 baby asprin, and 1 Doxycycline. Then in the evening I get 1 shot of Follistim, 1 Doxycycline and 1 Dexamathasone. Michael has to join in on these meds..he gets to take a Doxycycline twice a day as well. Tuesday they throw another shot in the mix..one I have to make by mixing powder and saline before injection. Oh, what fun we are having now! (with a bit of sarcasm) It's really not that bad, they're such teeny tiny needles. Of course I say this before I'm poking myself like a pin cushion 3 times a day. Still a bit on the weepy side these days. I asked the nurse if it gets worse. She laughed out loud. "Yes...and it doesn't get better till the child is two!" Ahhhh, the encouraging words of my IVF nurse. Now I feel so much better.
P.S. - The credit card did not burst into flames as I anticipated today. Instead I had to call the credit card company to assure them that I was indeed making these astronomical purchases and to please let them through. They did. We are not officially paid in full.

Six Flags over Thurman

This roller coaster has reached the top of the really big, really scary hill and Michael and I are perched in the first car at the edge of the drop, peering over the front rail at the stomach dropping plummet that awaits us. My cycle started today. This is a big deal this month..a really big deal. Tomorrow I go to see the doctor for another check of good old ovaries. I asked my nurse today about the new shot I was supposed to start soon. She informed me it was a whole lot more than just adding one shot. I think I'll know a date tomorrow...THE date. They'll give me a new medicine schedule and then the fun begins. Tomorrow is also the day all the money is due. It will the largest single credit card purchase I've ever had to make...$10,000.00. The card may just burst into flames. Maybe I'll name our child Visa Thurman..lol. So, I'm excited...I'm nervous...I'm hopeful. So..here we go...wheeeeeeeeeeee!

A brief blog

I would like to delete this day from the records. It was just crappy to say the least. One of those days that make you scared to open the mail....or the door for fear of what lies inside. I have no fertility news today. Too busy trying to survive. We've got to get rid of this stress. I'm going to bed to hopefully dream away my worries.

The Rainbow Connection

My sister suggested to find my "happy place" and use it to distract me from these moods. (By the way, there's not been any other instances of insanity since Thursday.) So, I thought and thought. It's difficult to come up with a happy place when you're looking for it. Kinda like when someone asks, "Who is that?" and if they hadn't asked, you could have told them their name. Same thing. So the pressure was on to find it. God helped I think. I was in Sunday school of all places and the church didn't order the right book for our class. I could feel my blood start to boil. I had to calm down and quickly before all my friends saw Mrs. Hyde in all her glory. Don't laugh, I'm serious here...over a Sunday School book of all things!! And what pops into my mind as I'm searching frantically for happy thoughts? None other than Kermit the Frog, sitting on a log, singing "Rainbow Connection". Why I identified happiness in a little green singing frog puppet is beyond me, but it actually worked.
"Some day we'll find it, the rainbow connection..the lovers, the dreamers and me."
:)
P.S. I changed my settings so that anyone can leave a comment - so please do.

Day 5..Meltdown

Today, I lost my mind. I'm not talking the friendly..oh she's crazy or the passive, look at that crazy girl. No, I lost my mind to the point that literally furniture was flying. Everything set me off on level 10 when the situation called for a 2. I was soooo ANGRY. I cursed at employees, threw things, the works...and then ended up in a crying heap. This happened no less than 4 times today. It's to the point where I cannot see out of my contacts from all the hours of protein build up. And one would think that I could see what I was doing and stop my reactions. I did see what I was doing..but I didn't care about the reactions at that point. Michael threatened to send me home from work if I didn't control myself. I thought about calling my nurse to ask her if this was normal. I had turned into Mrs. Hyde. But at about 3 p.m., I was able to calm down and stop the incessant sobbing. I am hoping that is not a usual occurrence. On day one I said that we'd be able to tell more about the effects of the meds by the end of the week. Unfortunately I was right.

Come what may

I saw the musical Annie this past weekend. It was really fabulous. When I was a child, my sister and I watched that movie at least a hundred times. We could sing every song, mouth every word. Watching it again after all these years, seeing the determination of a little red-headed orphan who sang about the sun coming out tomorrow...come what may.
Come what may...that's the part I struggle with the most. Doubts about the in-vetro will work creep into my thoughts from day to day. The financial burden that, after spending over $13,000.00... it may not work. Will I be able to accept that failure? I do not know. To overcome that, I simply choose to not think about it. I'm sure it's a form of denial, but I'm hoping that by only focusing on the option of it working, it will be the only outcome. Reality is too harsh sometimes and I am not strong enough to handle it. Michael is a constant source of optimism and for that I am thankful. He says he knows that it will work. I am so incredibly blessed to have his unending love and support. I need to do this...forget my fears, pick out baby names and plan for our future.

Argh!

It's snowing...or at least it was for 5 or 6 flakes today. Very exciting for a native Augustan. I'm sure there is already a rush on the grocery stores for bread and milk and bottled water. I think the most we can hope for is frozen trees tomorrow morning with a few slick puddles here and there. We were almost in a wreck on the way home from dinner. A guy in a really big truck ran a red light. It was a close call, but Michael is an excellent driver...hence, I am here writing a blog instead of standing in the rain waiting on a tow truck or worse.
All right, on to the subject at hand. I'm sooooo irritated today. Michael says it is getting progressively worse. Suddenly the entire world has turned into idiots in my opinion. Not only that, but it has now become my obligation to feel the burden of all their incompetence...and get furious about it. I am trying to hold on to reality. That is amounting to a whole lot of counting to 10. I don't think I'm very good at it. All the employees got yelled at today and I dared them to tick me off any further. And my Michael...he just keeps a safe distance and when I calm down, he comes over an gives me a hug. What a trooper. Homework for today...breathe in...breathe out...1, 2, 3, 4...

Learning to swim

Ok..Day two..not so traumatic. I prepped everything myself and then pinched hard as Michael played darts on my stomach. I'm lucky he's a fast learner and a good shot! Although we are using modern science to further our dream of having children, it's hard not to mourn the loss of that magical moment when you know the baby was made or better yet, the day you see two blue lines. I get so wrapped up in the fact that I'm going through this, that I don't think about the fact that Michael may be dealing with issues as well. He has expressed some dissappointment about the whole scheduling thing, but he is very supportive and very thankful to me for being willing to go through this to bear his child. Truth is, I'm diving in. I can't wait to decided anymore. With one tube blocked by scar tissue, I only have a 50% chance if we tried naturally and that hasn't worked in 3 years. It turned out to be just too important to leave up to chance anymore. My OB/GYN was very insightful. He and his wife tried for 7 years to get pregnant. They had two failed in-vetros years ago when the success rate was only 30%, 7 IUIs and countless drug trials. They now have 2 children. He told me that for my own peace of mind, we have to do all we can now while we can. He said it's expensive, but it's worth it. He said it's better to have tried all we can and fail than to not try and wonder if it would have happened. I consider him an expert and I took his advice. So, like I said, we're diving in.

The first shot is the deepest

We're starting this journey...down the road of fertility. We're really and truly beginning to make progress. The feeling of knowing you're starting in on uncharted territory is exciting and terrifying. Today was shot #1 of what I predict will be and unbelievable journey of hormones. Poor Michael. I had to have a friend help me with my first one. Just something about shoving a needle in your own skin. I applaud all the diabetics of the world. It's a small needle thankfully. But the Lupron burns for a while. I kept finding myself rubbing the the spot for an hour after the shot was given. A while after I took the shot there was a feeling of lightheadedness and the room began to spin. Note to self...eat breakfast even when taking shots. I'm drained today...totally drained of all energy. I don't know if it's related. The end of the week should begin to paint a better picture.